Thursday, July 20, 2006

Introspection - ridiculously long

1. I don't trust easily
2. I don't let people close
3. I have control issues - some of them follow:
     a. I do not let other people drive my car (very, very few exceptions)
     b. I do not let other people control my finances
     c. There are more, I am just not gonna get too far into them
4. I feel a driving need to be able to support myself
5. I don't accept help graciously; I tend to feel I should be able to do it on my own
6. I feel I should be able to give to those for whom I care, and beat myself up when I can't due to finances, situational issues, or other extenuating circumstances
7. I have difficulty accepting gifts from those for whom I care
8. I have difficulty believing someone when they compliment me. My first thought tends to be: "What do they want?"
9. I feel I am lacking
10. I tend to push people away who have become 'too close'
11. I find ways of sabotaging my relationships/life by pushing buttons - I will come clean, right now, and say - this is a subconscious thing that I do
12. Due to #1, I have difficulty believing people mean what they say. I expect everyone to fail to mention something, to outright lie, or some such thing
13. Because of #9, I tend to not truly believe that my relationships are as wonderful as they are. I keep waiting for the person I'm with to realize I'm not "all that" and to get tired of me. That gets annoying for them - in the extreme, I am sure. A self-fulfilling prophecy in the making


Oh, I am certain that there are all sorts of fascinating reasons tucked away in my psyche. My background is riddled with all sorts of stuff. None of which is of such import as to have affected a permanent influence on my psyche. Nothing so horridly traumatic. My father, mother, uncles, aunts didn't sexually or physically abuse me. I was loved and cherished - and still am - by my family. I know that no matter what happens in my life, my parents will be there to help me. They may be disappointed in some of my life choices; however, they would still be there for me. There are some reasons I can think of. One or two little piddly things that don't merit much attention. We all experience things like that in our lives. I would hate to believe that such minor incidents would make such a deep impact on my emotional psyche.

All but two of my boyfriends - my first and Andre - have been abusive. Why did I invite that into my life? Physically, emotionally, spiritually and sexually abusive men with no regard to me as a person, much less someone deserving of love. Did I bring them into my life to reflect the negativity that I had toward myself but wasn't allowed to express? Did I feel, at some level, that I deserved what was happening to me? I don't know, to be honest. I would like to say that I woke up one day and realized I was this totally awesome person and they were the scum of the earth. I can't, though. Most of them were perfectly wonderful men in other relationships. It was when they got with me that they became raping, beating, rampaging maniacs. I have to believe it had something to do with me. And I have to wonder why I brought that into my life.

Somehow, I managed to not only get out of it. Which I did quite abruptly, and which cost me the house I loved. But I managed to rise above where I had been, and made a success of myself. I have friends in my life who truly care about me and want to see me do well. I had a job that rocked. I loved it, and made a good living doing it. I lost that job, and am now in a job that is not quite paying the bills. It looks like I'm not getting a raise or promotion any time in the near future and so I am having to start to explore options.

Since two weeks after I was 16 and moved out of my parent's house, I have been on my own. Not only on my own, but for the first five years of my son's life, I was on my own and a single mother, in the military working rotating 12 hour shifts making around minimum wage in a foreign country with no friends or family around me. When I have offered to do things for friends, I always did so out of my own pocket. When I wanted something, I bought it. And, I have held my emotional walls in place and not let them down, until my ex started working on them, got me to start opening up and then put things on 'hold'. Now, I am having to let go. In more ways than one.

As my sis has said repeatedly..."Stop following your logic and intellect, and start following your heart." My heart has been so wrong in the past. My trust has been so misplaced. Those with whom I have been involved, whether through platonic or sexual relationship, have tended to be manipulators and liars. Quick to leave as soon as they had what they wanted. I don't believe those in my life, now, are like that. And still I struggle with the ghosts of the past. With this stupid emotional baggage that comes, in part, from the first day I set foot on American soil at the age of four...and extends through my last fouled relationship. And it is stupid, and ridiculous and is close to driving me insane that I have to struggle so hard with ghost and phantoms. Reality is so beautiful and loving and caring and accepting. And I let the specters of the past shadow that beauty in foulness.

Sometimes, I get really, really pissed at myself.

Why can't it be as easy as saying: "OK, I know this, now. So you phantoms, ghost and specters can just take a hike"? Why can't you just decide, this is how it is gonna be, and it be that way? I quit smoking at a time when I was smoking two packs a day. I quit cold turkey. Made up my mind and did it. Simple. Same with drinking. Went on a two year binge, realized that wasn't a good thing. Stopped. Cold turkey. Simple.

Fucking up everything beautiful and wonderful in my life because I can't see it without wondering what the catch is....know it is stupid....decide not to do it anymore.....and still can't stop myself, completely. Oh, it doesn't happen, everyday. Don't get me wrong. It happens less and less. Over the last few months, especially, I have come to begin to truly appreciate the beauty and truth and openness around me. Yet, still, I have those moments when the doubts assail me. When the ghost swarm through my mind. Moments of extreme weakness that make me want to shake myself senseless for allowing to happen.

And then, then is when I get pissed at myself.

Well, to those brave souls who made it this far - bless you, you have more stamina than I would have had.

Please, return to your regularly scheduled lives, and forgive me for this time of introspection and partial self-flagellation.